One family, my family is more than enough. With its ups and downs, challenges and breakthroughs, it more than keeps me busy. I love and cherish my family, but I certainly do not need another one at work. Here is the issue - it is very common in business to aspire to be family-like. There is a history of business cultures trying to be like a family. Having been involved in various aspects of family life for the past fifty years and business life for the past thirty years, it really eludes me why one would want to collapse the two systems into anything that would be similar.

I have been a part of very potent and powerful family and business organizations. I have also been a part of dysfunctional family and business systems. In both cases, it is obvious that whether functional or dysfunctional, powerful or terrible, both systems are incredibly different. Business and family as organizations have very different functions.

You really see how incompatible these systems are in family-owned companies, especially as they pass on to the second generation. Why is this? Rules that govern business life and successful business organizations are radically different than rules that govern successful family life. The intermingling of the rules can have drastic and terrible effects. It is like playing baseball while using the rules of football, or soccer with the rules of hockey. If you do that, it is not going to work.

Let’s explore what the differences are. Let’s begin by defining and exploring what each system’s purpose is. Family life is about a relationship between adults – nurturing, loving and supportive, possibly creating and raising children. The children grow up, and may begin creating families of their own. Family life could include helping adult children and their families, and/or supporting and nurturing parents into their golden years and eventual deaths.

Business life is about a group of adults working together and providing a service or product, purchased by customers. For this, the customers pay money, which goes towards paying for production of the service and/or product. Through work, adults get to participate with others in a game of accomplishment. They also generate for themselves a stream of revenue, from which they can conduct their lives. As you can see, these are two very different systems providing two very different functions.

A major difference here is that a person has no choice about which family one is born into. Have not all of us at one point or another wished we did have a choice, and wondered how the heck we were placed in our family? This results from being a part of a very particular egg and sperm club. The rest of our lives are spent dealing with this particular club, and the circumstances that we find ourselves born into.

Regarding work, we can argue that it is a choice. You choose where you work and what you do. Or choose not to work. Some would argue with this, saying you need to work in order to make money (and survive) - there is no choice. We can debate this at another time.

I can pick where I interview for work, and put myself in a position of being selected for employment. I can quit work when I choose. There is no “getting out of” family. Even if you are estranged and detached, your parents, brothers and sisters are yours for life. On a certain level, you can never escape from your family.

In healthy families, you would never fire your relatives. You deal with and have your children, parents and siblings in good times and bad. Work needs to have different standards. This is for economic survival and for customer satisfaction.

Family businesses can get very confused about this. Somehow, in dysfunctional family companies, the position of the family members becomes a right and an inheritance. Working at the company becomes some kind of legacy, simply for being part of the family. These companies do not prosper; they decline and eventually die. In healthy companies, family members are in the right places doing the right work, because their intelligence and abilities put them there. This is clear to the entire employee group.

In healthy family companies, being related to the owners (at best) gets you an interview - period. Like other employees, your ability, hard work, circumstances and some luck dictate your career path. Your relationship to the CEOs or owners gets you nothing. Parents and children who work together call each other by their first names. Couples work together because they are successful, not in order to strengthen their marriages. CEOs whose children work in the business do not use this as an opportunity to strengthen their family relationships or work through their issues. They see it simply as an opportunity to work together and accomplish goals with someone they admire and respect. This is a view that they ought to have with most of the employees of their companies.

Very strict parameters govern work conversations in healthy family companies. Frequent discussion about work may be banned from the dinner table and certainly is not pillow talk. Outside of work, there are a lot of other topics that need to be dealt with and members in a healthy family business are clear on this. Family is family; business is business - with the two seen as very separate. In dysfunctional family businesses, these distinctions blur and can take a huge toll on marriages and other family-type relationships.

The expectations and “bar” may be much higher for family members who want to work in these healthy companies. The game of business demands this kind of rigor. When family members are picked out for special treatment and support, it could potentially breed resentment and anger from other employees. It is seen as “not fair” and that the organization is clearly not a meritocracy. The overall performance of a business can be negatively impacted by this type of behavior.

Another feature of family life that has always interested me is the ugliness, hatred and pain that can be a part of it. We have all seen families do horrible things to each other. On the other side, you can and do see in families: incredible relationships, sacrifice and love. Some of my most profound growth as a human being has come from “coming to grips” with my relationships with parents, my sibling and relatives. Business should not aspire to these polarities. There is no need in business for internal relationships to be either so positive or so negative as you will see in family life.

So, keep work out of the family and family out of work. These are different types of systems with very different types of functions. This is not to say that work cannot be a nurturing and worthwhile place where people can grow and develop. It just is not family. We are not saying that families cannot be focused places where group accomplishment is not appreciated. It is just not work. By keeping family out of work and work out of family, both systems and people engaged in both systems will be better off.